Perfecting Love in Our Relationships

Is it the happily ever after endings in fairy tale stories and romance movies which puts us on the quest for “perfect love”?  And what happens after we realize that perfect love doesn’t exist with the person who is the target of our affection?  What are our choices?  I see three main solutions to this dilemma: (1) We can walk away from our relationship with this person.  (2) We can settle for “what is” in this imperfect relationship because in reality nobody and nothing is ever truly perfect.  Or (3) we can attempt to perfect the love in our relationships because we recognize that love is dynamic, ever evolving, and malleable.

I’m quite familiar with these three choices because when, on my quest for “perfect” love, I came face to face with imperfect love and had to make that difficult decision.

I’ve walked away from imperfect love — sometimes you just have to for your safety, security and sanity.

I’ve settled, temporarily, for imperfect love — settling, I feel, usually comes to a dead end for most relationships, as unresolved issues do not disappear.

But what has had the greatest impact on me, what has enriched my understanding and growth most significantly, was when I made the choice to perfect the imperfection in my relationships, being fully aware that it would never really be perfect.

I think the latter choice is the most difficult because it is the path filled with the most unknowns, and can be an uphill battle.  Will we be rewarded for sacrificing our time and energy to perfect imperfect love?  If there’s no guaranteed reward for our efforts, what is the point to even try in the first place?

What I’m suggesting today is that it’s usually worth trying for at least a predetermined time (the time-frame  being established based on what we feel is appropriate and fair to ourselves as well as what we can tolerate).  The final outcome of this attempt may not be what we hoped for in the beginning, and we may still end up walking away alone.  However, the growth, knowledge and discipline that are gained from this journey are all what I consider to be “rewards” of our efforts.  Regardless if the love in your relationship is salvageable, you will gain from the experience.  And that’s why I think it’s a path worth exploring.

What are some of the ways we can perfect the love in our imperfect relationships?

Might I suggest a few that have helped me and which I hope will help you:

• Stay positive – While easier said than done, staying positive really is the key to happiness both for ourselves and in our relationships.  When a relationship doesn’t go the way we expected, it’s natural to feel discouraged.  So to overcome this, we have to in a way train our minds every day to focus on positive emotions and thoughts and sift out negative ones.  Keep a note pad close by and jot down all the positive things about this other person as they come to our minds.  Initially, the process may require us to convert a negative into a positive.  For example, if Billy is running late to pick you up (a negative), mention how well he cleaned himself up for you (a positive) when he arrives at the door.  The point is to focus more on the positives so hopefully there are more positives in the relationship to build off of.

• Let go of expectations – To expect someone else to meet our unfulfilled or uncommunicated needs is like planting a time bomb in the relationship — eventually it will explode.  The problem with having expectations is that we depend on others to act, behave, and speak in ways that we desire rather than what comes naturally of another person.  They may have trouble comprehending our desires, and if it goes outside this sphere of comprehension, we have unmet expectations.  When our desires and expectations go unfulfilled, then demands start to creep into the relationship.  We may start to say, “Well, if you love me you would do this/say this…” or perhaps,  “If you were responsible, you wouldn’t do this…”  We fail to see that our interpretation of something is not the only correct one.  Each individual’s perception leads to unique responses, which may or may not be in-line with our own.  So we start to impose on others to change their ways to align themselves with our understanding, values and expectations.  But as we’ve heard the saying before, “We cannot change others.  We can only change ourselves.”  Trying to do otherwise will only escalate tension.

• Have open, non-threatening communication – What makes for open and non-threatening communication is when there is but one speaker and one listener at a time.  The speaker represents him or herself using “I” statements to communicate his or her point of view.  “You” statements too often come across as attacking and degrading, which puts the listener on the defensive and leads to escalation of conflict.  So instead of saying “You never do the dishes after dinner,” you can express the same point more diplomatically by saying “I feel frustrated when I have to clean the dishes every night after dinner.”  The key to being a good listener is being able to hear not only the speaker’s overt message but also his or her underlying frustrations, and then accurately summarizing back to the speaker the message in one’s own words.  At the end, the speaker and listener come to an equitable solution.  It takes a lot practice to be both a good speaker and listener.  I found this article really helpful: A Game Plan for Effective Communication.

• Be patient – As the saying goes, “Patience is a Virtue.”  Humans and relationships are complex.  Perfecting relationships takes patience and time.  Change does not happen over night, and time can help heal emotional wounds.  So we need to be patient and not rush a solution.  And if we can be patient with both ourselves and others, we may see our relationships grow and evolve more perfectly – like a rainbow that forms after a big storm.

• Keep learning – We can glean a new perspective and better understanding of the challenges in our own relationships when we learn from others who have been through similar challenges and who may be experiencing similar emotions.  Finding good books and articles to read can also show other perspectives to our problems.  Talking to trusted family members and friends can give us additional insight.  And while we may come across advice and/or information that doesn’t feel or sound right, we must learn to trust in our feelings to decipher these new ideas and retain what resonates with our hearts and minds.

• Meditate – Meditation can be a very effective way of calming the mind and freeing it of all worries.  In life we are bombarded with stress and distractions.  If we can make an effort, even if it’s for just a few minutes a day, to zone out from these distractions — preferably putting ourselves in a quiet and peaceful place — we give our minds a chance to re-group and recharge as we welcome new and positive energy to our bodies.  Meditation is a very individual activity.  A lot of people find it helpful to meditate with their eyes closed, focused on deep breathing, with their body still in a seated upright position or laying flat on their backs.  Discover what works best for you.  The benefit of regular meditation to our relationships and to ourselves is it gives us a chance to “empty out the garbage” in our minds.  Too often we sweat the small stuff.  If we don’t do a routine dump of this small stuff, eventually it will accumulate and become unmanageable.  Someone wise once told me, “if it’s not an issue you see yourself fighting over with someone 10 years down the road, let it go.  But if you envision this problem today being a problem 10 years from now, then maybe it’s worth coming to a head with it.”  But when you can, let it go.  Meditate.

• Do you – A dear friend of mine once said to me, “Do You!”  I never quite understood what that meant until I started “Doing Me.”  A relationship is made up of ourself and another person.  Too often we become so obsessed with “doing” the other person, catering to their needs and desires, we forget to “do ourselves.”  To perfect a relationship, both parties should be thriving at their best.  And the only real control we have in any relationship is the control we have over ourselves — making ourselves happy and thriving at our best.  So when you “Do You,” delve into your passions, your hobbies, reconnect with your friends, take care of your body, eat better, sleep more, love YOU!!!!

We invest in relationships because we want to love and be loved.  Love is a beautiful thing but it is not easily earned and even more difficult to hold onto and grow with.  That is why love is something we must give constant care and dedication to.

The act of loving is so enriching because while in the act we learn so much about ourselves and we learn to love better.  No love is perfect, but we can all strive to perfect the love in our relationships one day at a time.